Entry tags:
(no subject)
in the past four days i've smoked 2 cigarettes ftw.
and i got hired at that gamestop
just have to do paperwork now.
and i got hired at that gamestop
just have to do paperwork now.
maybe god was here.
I am unaware, really, if god has any part to say in this. But I think that sometimes, maybe god was here, at some point, in some representation. Because I feel the emotion like a weight, like a true and physical weight that I am blessed. I am privileged.. to be able to curl into your side, to wrap my hands around your wrists and run them down your sides and memorize your body. But I know you. I know you like I've always known you. Like I've touched you my entire life. My hands remember you.
They know where to fit.
Overwhelming. You are overwhelming. My love for you swells in my chest; I always feel too small to contain it. I feel like a cup that's too full, sloshing around and whispering over the brim. You run down my cheeks like tears.
I want to trace my tongue over your skin, to write poetry in the hollows of your ribs. I want to write sonnets in the curve of your hips, leave haiku written on the inside of your lower lip. I want to write free verse across your back with my hands curved around your shoulder blades that stick out like wings straining for air when you flex, and revel in the fact of the matter that nobody can see it like I do. Nobody can see you the way I do.
I would die for you.
They know where to fit.
Overwhelming. You are overwhelming. My love for you swells in my chest; I always feel too small to contain it. I feel like a cup that's too full, sloshing around and whispering over the brim. You run down my cheeks like tears.
I want to trace my tongue over your skin, to write poetry in the hollows of your ribs. I want to write sonnets in the curve of your hips, leave haiku written on the inside of your lower lip. I want to write free verse across your back with my hands curved around your shoulder blades that stick out like wings straining for air when you flex, and revel in the fact of the matter that nobody can see it like I do. Nobody can see you the way I do.
I would die for you.
You.
I've been chasing you in every person I've dated in the past four years. Pretty blonde girls with blue eyes and pale skin, gorgeous messes, girls with some slight hint of artistic talent no matter how vacant it was. But they never measured up.
Their hair was never natural, their eyes never that startling, earthshaking shade of blue, none as talented, and not a one, who could pull off the morning after even half as well.
And so every single time, I always came back to the thought of you.
There was this point about a month and a half ago where I threw my hands up and stopped fighting gravity. I quit trying to escape the gravitational pull of you. I gave in. I'm done trying to escape velocity.
I told myself I would never find anyone like you in this world; only vague tainted essences that would leave me feeling empty.
And so I bought a ticket to the middle of nowhere because I needed you. I've always had this need for you that I've never understood. A need for your acceptance, your approval, your attention.
I love you like I miss you, even now. I've always always missed you. I miss you when you're right next to me. I miss you when you close your eyes, and I miss you when you look away from me, when your lips leave mine.
I want to marry you. I want to have children with you. Perfect, beautiful children that we can teach about the little things in life. About how much more they matter than what society deems important. The little pleasures; like how buttercups reflect on the bottom of your chin if 'you like butter.' And how to make daisy chains, and how you don't have to crouch to catch fireflies.
I want you to be the one I turn to when life is hard. I want to be able to be anywhere in the world and feel at home when I look at you. I want to see things with you, places, meet people. I want to share every single tiny beauty I find in the trail of the sun and the glint of the moonlight.
I want to sit on a porch swing with you when we're old and drink sun tea.
I want to level to 80 with you.
I guess, I'm in deeper than I thought I was. Because at this point, there is no turning back.
You, are the means to the end.
Happy Anniversary baby. Its been a long time coming.
Their hair was never natural, their eyes never that startling, earthshaking shade of blue, none as talented, and not a one, who could pull off the morning after even half as well.
And so every single time, I always came back to the thought of you.
There was this point about a month and a half ago where I threw my hands up and stopped fighting gravity. I quit trying to escape the gravitational pull of you. I gave in. I'm done trying to escape velocity.
I told myself I would never find anyone like you in this world; only vague tainted essences that would leave me feeling empty.
And so I bought a ticket to the middle of nowhere because I needed you. I've always had this need for you that I've never understood. A need for your acceptance, your approval, your attention.
I love you like I miss you, even now. I've always always missed you. I miss you when you're right next to me. I miss you when you close your eyes, and I miss you when you look away from me, when your lips leave mine.
I want to marry you. I want to have children with you. Perfect, beautiful children that we can teach about the little things in life. About how much more they matter than what society deems important. The little pleasures; like how buttercups reflect on the bottom of your chin if 'you like butter.' And how to make daisy chains, and how you don't have to crouch to catch fireflies.
I want you to be the one I turn to when life is hard. I want to be able to be anywhere in the world and feel at home when I look at you. I want to see things with you, places, meet people. I want to share every single tiny beauty I find in the trail of the sun and the glint of the moonlight.
I want to sit on a porch swing with you when we're old and drink sun tea.
I want to level to 80 with you.
I guess, I'm in deeper than I thought I was. Because at this point, there is no turning back.
You, are the means to the end.
Happy Anniversary baby. Its been a long time coming.
Entry tags:
oh, baby, you tasted like peaches and smelled like rain.
Nothing has ever mattered more than this cigarette. After it burns away and the wind sweeps away its ashes, I am so sure that you will leave me. I am so sure that in your travels of coming and going that you will find your actual and destined true love and deem me inadequate. It has become increasingly harder to allow you to leave my side for this reason. I want for you to always be with me, and none of that ‘’ I’ll always be in your heart, ‘’ bullshit; I need you physically as well as emotionally.
I need to touch you as I need to breathe, sleep, eat; I need you as I need to fulfill these tasks to continue to live, to continue to live for you and only you. I need you as much as I need this cigarette, as much as I need this smoke filling my lungs and this nicotine tainting my blood in all of its chemically embraced deception. I need you as much as my need to keep needing you, loving you, being here with you. I need you as much as I need to make this cigarette last forever.
I have no record of time past this burning ember. I do not know of passing minutes or seconds. The only thing I am aware of is your presence cradled against mine, and all I know is your soul shining its glare into my eyes and blinding my vision. I am lost and found at the same time, and no longer do I have any concept of whom or what I am. All that I have passion for is the art of loving you; all I am worried about is the steady depletion of this cigarette. It is my lifeline.
It keeps you touching me, it keeps your soul tangled in mine, it keeps you here with me and in keeping you here with me, I can continue to live. In continuing to live, I can keep on loving you. I need to do this. I cannot stress that point enough, even if I sound like a broken record or a CD played one times too many.
The intoxicated air fills my lungs with a steady and departing cycle; it does not take all that long before my cigarette has finished, long after you’ve taken your last hit and flicked away the remains. It seems as if its Doom’s Day. I can almost hang my head with the sadness of my seemingly truthful assumption as you gather up your jacket and stand up; I can feel my happiness dying, and I can only watch you fumbling around in your back pocket for what I’m sure will be your keys.
My heart is breaking inside my chest and the air flow limits itself to none but me. My breath is labored and my head is lamenting your preparation for departure; it is a furious mess of emotions, of grief, frustration, and above all loneliness. I am spiraling downwards into depression as my system slows down. I am going to die unhappy; I know it.
Amongst the tatters of my soul, you take your seat beside me and you light another cigarette from a pack retrieved from your back pocket. And nothing has ever mattered more than you.
Dream I had about Kirby. I love you. Happy Anniversary Jupiter.
I need to touch you as I need to breathe, sleep, eat; I need you as I need to fulfill these tasks to continue to live, to continue to live for you and only you. I need you as much as I need this cigarette, as much as I need this smoke filling my lungs and this nicotine tainting my blood in all of its chemically embraced deception. I need you as much as my need to keep needing you, loving you, being here with you. I need you as much as I need to make this cigarette last forever.
I have no record of time past this burning ember. I do not know of passing minutes or seconds. The only thing I am aware of is your presence cradled against mine, and all I know is your soul shining its glare into my eyes and blinding my vision. I am lost and found at the same time, and no longer do I have any concept of whom or what I am. All that I have passion for is the art of loving you; all I am worried about is the steady depletion of this cigarette. It is my lifeline.
It keeps you touching me, it keeps your soul tangled in mine, it keeps you here with me and in keeping you here with me, I can continue to live. In continuing to live, I can keep on loving you. I need to do this. I cannot stress that point enough, even if I sound like a broken record or a CD played one times too many.
The intoxicated air fills my lungs with a steady and departing cycle; it does not take all that long before my cigarette has finished, long after you’ve taken your last hit and flicked away the remains. It seems as if its Doom’s Day. I can almost hang my head with the sadness of my seemingly truthful assumption as you gather up your jacket and stand up; I can feel my happiness dying, and I can only watch you fumbling around in your back pocket for what I’m sure will be your keys.
My heart is breaking inside my chest and the air flow limits itself to none but me. My breath is labored and my head is lamenting your preparation for departure; it is a furious mess of emotions, of grief, frustration, and above all loneliness. I am spiraling downwards into depression as my system slows down. I am going to die unhappy; I know it.
Amongst the tatters of my soul, you take your seat beside me and you light another cigarette from a pack retrieved from your back pocket. And nothing has ever mattered more than you.
Dream I had about Kirby. I love you. Happy Anniversary Jupiter.
Entry tags:
awwwchyeah
so i got the other side of my lip pierced last night for snake bites.
and got super drunk with kirby.
and well, you can deduct what happened from there.
but, it was super amazing and connected and i'm still trembly.
and am still awake.
i have a job interview tomorrow @ 2 that i'm pretty much hired at already. well, i'm already in the company so i am, in a sense hired .. but the store manager wants me on her team so. yeah. she said, when she was sending an email to her district manager that she was rooting for me. so all i have to do is look pretty and pass inspection for the win.
ftw.
really.
i'm doing this.
and got super drunk with kirby.
and well, you can deduct what happened from there.
but, it was super amazing and connected and i'm still trembly.
and am still awake.
i have a job interview tomorrow @ 2 that i'm pretty much hired at already. well, i'm already in the company so i am, in a sense hired .. but the store manager wants me on her team so. yeah. she said, when she was sending an email to her district manager that she was rooting for me. so all i have to do is look pretty and pass inspection for the win.
ftw.
really.
i'm doing this.
^^;
ohmigawd. so earlier tonight, kirby said: i'm going to make a lot of mistakes. but there's some i'll never make. i may forget to take out the trash, and leave dishes in the sink, and completely disregard the recycling bin, and i may go out and get drunk at a bar with my friends when i say i won't, because i don't mean to get drunk .. but i will always come home.
get out of bed and put my swagger on,
so, yeah. i, can't stop thinking about the events of the past month and they're like .. nothing short of amazing. life changing. i'm in like.. this whirlwind of life and its exhilarating.
its like, before i came to be with kirby, i wasn't really living. and i know it might sound cliche. but its true.
for once in my life i'm actually doing what i want, and not what's best for everyone else. it feels right.
for fucking once i'm actually happy.
i'm finally not getting up out of bed just to say ``hey, i'm here,`` and pretending everything is okay when it really isn't because i don't want to be there and i don't want to be breathing.
and not running home to my mother for once is actually insanely liberating.
and the best part of it is waking up next to kirby and feeling fucking perfect. happy.
i felt sick as fuck this morning when i woke up but i couldn't help but smile at her when she looked at me.
its absolute insanity, but i love it.
fuck it man, i just want to dance.
its like, before i came to be with kirby, i wasn't really living. and i know it might sound cliche. but its true.
for once in my life i'm actually doing what i want, and not what's best for everyone else. it feels right.
for fucking once i'm actually happy.
i'm finally not getting up out of bed just to say ``hey, i'm here,`` and pretending everything is okay when it really isn't because i don't want to be there and i don't want to be breathing.
and not running home to my mother for once is actually insanely liberating.
and the best part of it is waking up next to kirby and feeling fucking perfect. happy.
i felt sick as fuck this morning when i woke up but i couldn't help but smile at her when she looked at me.
its absolute insanity, but i love it.
fuck it man, i just want to dance.
Entry tags:
FUCKING AWESOME.
so, there's tornado warnings in effect. i'm totally not happy with that.
but i am completely happy that i missed my bus.
kirby seems a lot less stressed out. like maybe i was going to change my mind. i never even thought of it.
so, i'm like. totally wanting to go clubbing. i need my mom to send me my social security card so i can get a state i.d. that would be sweet.
great. so now there is a tornado.
kirby keeps telling me we're fine, but i think she would tell me that up until the point where i died. she loves me like that.
heh.
i'm super happy with her.
lol.. so her mom came in here and was like: we're not out of the woods yet. there's still a system that could hit us.
i'm like: yeah.
she's like: put your driver's license in your pocket. in case you die.
sweet.
rain-wrapped funnel cloud.
okay. so no more tornado warning.
I'M GOOD NIGGA.
but i am completely happy that i missed my bus.
kirby seems a lot less stressed out. like maybe i was going to change my mind. i never even thought of it.
so, i'm like. totally wanting to go clubbing. i need my mom to send me my social security card so i can get a state i.d. that would be sweet.
great. so now there is a tornado.
kirby keeps telling me we're fine, but i think she would tell me that up until the point where i died. she loves me like that.
heh.
i'm super happy with her.
lol.. so her mom came in here and was like: we're not out of the woods yet. there's still a system that could hit us.
i'm like: yeah.
she's like: put your driver's license in your pocket. in case you die.
sweet.
rain-wrapped funnel cloud.
okay. so no more tornado warning.
I'M GOOD NIGGA.
Entry tags:
yeah, so..
kirbs and i stayed up all night. and only half of it was deviousness. but you know, we'd be up until about this time ANYWAY, talking on AIM. just saying. i downloaded a TON of ani difranco songs and some new music to remix for the club.. well, whenever i get back .. there. which i don't really see in my near future, to be honest. psh, there are clubs here. in memphis. about 30 minutes away. cha.
my bus back to new york comes at 5 p.m. today. i won't be on it.
its funny, how i thought i could put four years of love tag into three weeks. its funny how i really did naively think i was going to go home after the three weeks were up. and yeah, that sentence was poorly written but i don't give a fuck. there's a lot of things i'm giving.. less of a fuck about lately. ( this is a good thing. )
yeah, you know what, its 7:30 in the am. you can deal with my poor sentence structure and bad grammar.
uh, anyway.. i'm kristi. i'm 19. 20 in october. super gay. mohawk'd. sup. yeah. you like my description of myself. i'm super tired. i guess i needed to introduce myself in some way, shape or form. whatever. deal with it.
oh, failcore.
ayup.
i'm done here.
my bus back to new york comes at 5 p.m. today. i won't be on it.
its funny, how i thought i could put four years of love tag into three weeks. its funny how i really did naively think i was going to go home after the three weeks were up. and yeah, that sentence was poorly written but i don't give a fuck. there's a lot of things i'm giving.. less of a fuck about lately. ( this is a good thing. )
yeah, you know what, its 7:30 in the am. you can deal with my poor sentence structure and bad grammar.
uh, anyway.. i'm kristi. i'm 19. 20 in october. super gay. mohawk'd. sup. yeah. you like my description of myself. i'm super tired. i guess i needed to introduce myself in some way, shape or form. whatever. deal with it.
oh, failcore.
ayup.
i'm done here.
spinning it tight down south
so, i'm in arkansas, and its not really so much the place, though its supremely beautiful to me .. but honestly, its her.
i can talk all i want to about leaving, but my heart isn't in it. i guess, this is where i should be at this point in my life because it feels right.
it really does. and maybe this is all nonsensical babble, but i've waited in line for this ride for a long time and now i'm going to ride it.
this really isn't what i meant to write you know, new journal and all, but that's all she really wrote.
i'm going to go convince kirby we should watch buffy now because the menu has been on for like four hours.
i can talk all i want to about leaving, but my heart isn't in it. i guess, this is where i should be at this point in my life because it feels right.
it really does. and maybe this is all nonsensical babble, but i've waited in line for this ride for a long time and now i'm going to ride it.
this really isn't what i meant to write you know, new journal and all, but that's all she really wrote.
i'm going to go convince kirby we should watch buffy now because the menu has been on for like four hours.